I originally wanted to breast feed my baby until he was a year old. As time is wearing on, and work interferes, I am realizing that I have needed to adjust that goal a bit.
Granted, I have nursed my son longer than I have my last two children. With my first baby I nursed for about 6 months, until he developed teeth and I decided that breastfeeding wasn’t suppose to be a dangerous experience.
With Henry though, my work schedule has really interrupted the process. I only breastfeed him once in the morning (if I am lucky) and a couple of times in the evening before he goes to bed; it is working out okay so far...sort of. But I really notice the difference in my “production” when the weekend rolls around.
At first, when I went back to work, I could nurse him exclusively on the weekends. It was nice; it was “our” time. But now that the routine of things has started to cement, I am finding that I am not producing enough to sustain him throughout the entire weekend so I have to supplement with formula.
I do have a breast pump, and I use it during the day at work - but I have always found the process painful and now that work is picking up, I don't always find the time to get away from my desk.
I definitely have mixed emotions about this transition of my breast milk decreasing. I am glad that it doesn't hurt as much during the day, but on the other hand I feel like I am becoming more and more obsolete as I spend less and less time with the baby due to work and social schedules. This isn’t the way I had hoped it would turn out.
I suppose in my ideal world I would have had the opportunity to stay home for a year (or two) while my husband went back to a fabulous job that covered our insurance and living expenses. But that didn’t happen.
Instead, I went back to work. I say “good-bye” to my baby every morning. I spend 2 or 3 hours with him in the evening every day, and spend my weekend running errands, and trying to be everything to everyone in the 48 hours that I am allotted before I start the work cycle all over again.
I just realized that on a good week I spend 35 (waking) hours with my baby. And that is if I devote every single one of those minutes I have to him. Which I don’t; I can’t. I have 3 other children, a husband, 2 stupid cats, church, friends, grocery shopping, and a pile of laundry. So the time I have with my infant son is probably closer to 17 hours per week – and I think even that is being generous.
I often wonder if I should even bother. Or worse, would it even matter if I ever came home? I’m a 17 hour a week mother to that little life, and because of it my milk production is waning...what I am to him is fading away, transforming into a blip on the radar screen of his day. If people can’t get why I am sad most of the time…there is my answer.
Yes, I know the other side of it is that I should be grateful that I have him. I AM. Believe me I am. With all of my heart I am grateful beyond words. Is it so wrong to want to be more a part of his day than I am? I dont' think so. I think that any woman who calls herself a "mother" wants to be with her children more than she is able. I'm just trying to reconcile it, that's all. I'm trying to see the fine print where it says that it is all going to be okay, and a 17-hour mama is better than none at all.